Swimming in the Margin

I have margin in my life now. For the first time in almost twelve months I have margin. Room to wiggle, though it feels more like I've been swimming. Like when you plunge underwater for a silent tea party, and all of the sudden the ruckus from above is hushed, and you are left with your floating hair and your clear teacup.

When I was a child I won contests for staying under the water longest without coming up for air. I know I had quite the lung capacity, but I also think I was just a bit more willing to endanger my life for the sake of continuing in blue silence. If I could just hold on a little longer, perhaps my body would start to adapt and I'd turn into a mermaid or at least grow some gills.

I was not a victim of my circumstances this past year. I made choices that left me with no margin and by God's grace I will never make those same choices again. Ironically, I actually knew better. I had learned and practiced rest (imperfectly) for years. But this year I did not, and sure enough, it led to bad places.

A few weeks ago I was at a conference and a woman talked about envisioning ourselves on God's lap. When I shut my eyes, I imagined myself screaming and beating on God's chest, throwing a FIT. When my eyes opened I burst into tears and spent the next while praying with a friend, telling God how angry I was at him. I accused him of letting me get to this point of exhaustion, of not helping me see before, of being too gracious with me instead of smiting me, and other illegitimate "faults". It felt good to tell Him. I was wrong about all of it, and He knew how I felt anyway. And He. Just. Held me. I cried until my stomach hurt, and He held me till I was calmed and whimpering. And I rested in His grace.

DTS is over, and in two weeks I'll be done at West Dallas Community School. This summer I will rest and float in the wide blue margin God has given me. In July I'll go to L'abri, and God has not shown me clearly what I'll be doing in the Fall. I hope to live alongside honest people. I hope to see every piece of life in light of The Meta-narrative. I hope to hope.