Grace, grace, grace

I figured since I listed my blogspot on my most recent update letter I should probably... write something.

A quick update: Today is April 15th, and that means that in 22 days I will have completed my first year at Seminary. Supposedly that means I have half-mastered something. I hope my future employers will forgive me for what I'm about to say: I'm not sure I'm going to have quite mastered anything by the time I get out of here. But I am learning. I'm in Trinitarianism, Soteriology, Old Testament I, and Intercultural Communications. Just one of those subjects would be enough to occupy my heart and mind, and with all of them, I am busting at the seams. But I am so happy, so thankful to be here. I know it is useless to try to absorb absolutely everything that I learn. So I'm just praying that my heart stays soft in the midst of all this head learning.

God has faithfully answered that prayer all year long. He wants my devotion to be fully His. He wants to be first in my heart. And I want Him there too. If my heart starts to harden, or I wander, He gets my attention. Sometimes it's painful. Sometimes it's really painful. But nothing satisfied but Jesus, so the stripping away is good. How many times will we have to be taught this lesson? How many times will I attempt to place my trust in something else?

A friend of mine told that one time she was holding hands with her boyfriend. For some reason or another, she let go, and his grip immediately tightened. She told me it reminded her of God. When we let go, He doesn't. He grips us. I am so thankful, and so held by Him.

why am i inside?

Part I: she sees the storm

green against blue is lovely, and soft
but green against gray has a harsh beauty
that I sometimes prefer.

today is one of those days.

today the clouds are strong and solid
and so many different shades of grey
it's amazing there's only one name.

against this sky the leaves of trees are strong,
inviting the storm, irrationally unafraid,
dancing and laughing as they shake.

sadly, i’ve found myself in a room with no windows,
haunted by a guilty sense of irreverence at having walked out
(or walked in?)
on the skillful weaving of such a storm
to sit inside wood paneled walls.


Part II: she escapes institution through imagination

upon further inspection, I suspect that these walls
were once California oak trees
(the ones that are actually the legs of giants).
yes, they were legs of giants,
giants, before they were captured, divided,
tamed and polished
to make this dignified classroom.

so yes, i'm inside, but not in a room
i'm inside the severed leg of an ancient giant,
if i close my eyes,
i can almost feel him move.