Stories from Asia... pt I... A look at the Sun

Once this summer I was feeling frustrated with the fact that God felt far from me. I was there to talk to people about Him, to teach what I believe is true, but still, the God I want others to know felt far. Why?! One evening, I climbed to the roof of my dorm building to catch the sunset. I had lived in a huge city for a few weeks at this point, and actually had not been able to watch the sunset because of buildings and pollution and time. (Many of you know this, but I usually try to pause daily to watch the sunset in Dallas. If I can make it to White Rock, I'm there. If not, the DTS parking lot will do). So anyway, as soon as I set foot on this roof and looked up, my heart skipped a beat. I didn't even realize how much I had missed nature and creation until that moment.
I sat down, and just lost it, crying because I was mad at God for feeling far away. I begged Him to please come and sit with me for just a little bit, to reassure me that this is all for real. But as I was doing so, I noticed that I could not look directly at the sunset. Not just the sun, but the whole scene. For whatever reason, the beauty was just too harsh, too glaring, too brilliant for my eyes. I had to look out to the North and just try to enjoy the view out of the corner of my eyes. As I did so, I realized the irony of that moment. I couldn't even look at the sun, but I was asking it's Maker reveal Himself physically to me. I felt God say, "Daughter, you don't know what you're asking. You cannot see me. But you can see enough to know." And it's true. Is not God infinitely more bright than the sun? Am I really ready to be blasted into smithereens by His glory? If found myself on my knees on the roof, thanking Him for His patience with me, and acknowledging that He has done enough in my life.
Sometimes I get frustrated with God's value system. You see, God values faith. He has given us plenty of testimonies to point to Him, (History, Logic, Relationship, Beauty, to name a few), and He asks us to trust Him. But really, it just doesn't matter if I get frustrated or not. Faith is what God asks, faith is what I can give Him. He deserves it.
I long for the day when my faith shall be made sight, but for now, we live by faith, and not by sight. We cannot avoid it. Everyone, I mean EVERYONE will put their faith in something.

too late (or early?) for blogging.

It is 4:42am, and I am awake. And not just in the physical sense of the word. My heart is awake to God and the way He is moving in my life, and my mind is awake and filled with lessons I am learning from every angle. I'm not always awake in this sense, but tonight, I am. I remember once I was driving in Oklahoma, and felt so superbly awake to God that I had the urge to roll down my window and scream, "WAKE UP!!!" to everyone within earshot. I decided against it, but every once in awhile that urge will resurface. I guess I just like the imagery; waking and sleeping.

Are you awake to His truth today? Are you letting it saturate you? If you don't believe the Bible is true, are you awake to why? Do you sleep through contradictions in your worldview, or are you aware of them?

I returned from Asia about two weeks ago, and will be posting stories and thoughts from my summer. One thing I realized there is that I had been suppressing some doubts. Yes, I had been dealing with doubts (even in Seminary! shocking...) and had basically been ignoring them, hoping they would go away. I tried to put them to sleep. But this summer, as I met people and told them what the Bible says, those doubts and fears were awakened. And praise God for that. I was able to look them in the face and ask some tough questions. Rather than squelch my faith, my heart was strengthened. Now I wonder why I was so afraid to ask the tough questions. I do not want a faith based on cheap answers, and I do not want to believe something that isn't true! If the God of the Bible is God (which actually, He is), then He is plenty big enough to stand up to the questions of a twenty three year old know nothing.

So today, tonight, I encourage you to wake up if you've been sleeping. Is there a truth you've hesitated to believe? A question you've been afraid to ask? A gnawing conviction that you've been suppressing? Or maybe God has been wanting to spend more time with you, but you've been busy. In our culture, it is easy to sleep. We've got media and comfort and plenty with which to fill our heads. But as my brother in law reminds me, what is easier is not always what is better. Wake up, dear ones. The dawn is breaking.

"For you are all children[a] of light, children of the day. We are not of the night or of the darkness. So then let us not sleep, as others do, but let us keep awake and be sober." 1 Thessalonians 5:5-7

"As for me, I shall behold your face in righteousness;when I awake, I shall be satisfied with your likeness." Psalm 17:15