On my Twenty Sixth Birthday

I drink my third cup of coffee, brought to me by Joe and Sue who love me, with the golden October sky lighting the trees and the grass in front of me, and streaming in through the window to dance a bit on the red tiled floor. A calm and cold morning, with granola for breakfast and books strewn about me like paper blankets. I think of how I grow older. How I march steadily toward death and decay, and I listen to traditional Celtic music and feel quite human, quite alive. I breathe in twenty-six for all I can, and dare it to wash over me with all of it’s disappointments and hopes. I stretch to feel myself growing confidence, growing sense of self, to acknowledge timid fear of growing old, the fringed ache of loneliness. I wonder if this will go away if I marry some day, but I think of how much worse to be lonely in a marriage, and I remember to wait until it is right. I stretch to feel it all because today, I am fully human.

The Bible’s view of man, of humanity gives such dignity to human beings, such depth- “Made in the image of God.” God, has “Crowned him with glory and honor, given him dominion over the work of your hands.” And we are “his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works.”

So God gives me value, by creating me to bear His image. Oh, but I am not Him. I am human, and more, a fallen human, not in the garden with him like our parents. I am separated from him and from my fellow humans, wanting so much to understand and to be understood, to celebrate and to be celebrated, to love and to be loved. But my relationships are broken. I am separated too from myself, unable to live out my ideals perfectly, or even very well. This separation haunted me, long before I could put words to it. What I needed was to be put back together.

For this, I hope in Christ, for though his death and resurrection, “God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them.” The cross, and the death and resurrection of Christ is where the world finds it’s primary paradox. God becomes human. God dies, and then rises again to life in order to reconcile the world to himself. I hope in Christ. I know and believe Him, though I pray with C.S. Lewis that I would pray to Him “Not as I think You are, but for who You know Yourself to be.” I approach the throne with confidence, but confident in His grace and love, not confident in my understanding of Him.

This is how I feel fully human today. How wonderful to be human according to God, weak but with hope. And why shouldn’t I be lonely and afraid sometimes in this broken world, when even Christ wept. And why shouldn’t I learn to bake bread (which I am actually getting better at) and highland dance (which I am horrible at… I look like a grasshopper hyped up on caffeine) and watch baseball games and knit and talk to my sister and take care of people who are hurting, and try hard to understand them where they are. And apologize when I am wrong (which is much of the time), and try hard not to apologize when I believe I am right.

This is what I am thinking on my twenty sixth birthday. Wish me a deep birthday, a true blue one, and one where I can make other people feel special, and okay. This will be a happy birthday.