From the Deep

I went to see for I had traveled deep

Inside myself my hurting self to keep

Wrapped up alone and cold and seeing there

Through telescope that reached to eyes and air.

I read just fine I walked and did not fall

What once had loomed and screamed grew quiet and small

I heard my words and saw them nod and smile.

Sufficient, I could rest inside awhile.

So weeping cries, they settled to an ache.

No longer did I fear that I would break

The tender me curled up and lay quite still

NohurtNotearsNorushNoloveNothrill.

I went to see for I had traveled deep

Inside myself my hurting self to keep

And took note that the thickness of her skin

Kept scary clutching claws from getting in.

But noticed too, the sunsets ceased to gleam

The moon fell flat without her reaching beam

Dogs licked. Annoyed, she pushed them out of sight

Friends called. I could not laugh. I said goodnight.

I saw the balance weighed and knew my choice

Climbed back inside despite a windy voice

And curled up watching life from far a deep

With one great tremor laid Myself to sleep.

Asleep I lay and numb contented I

had no intent of waking death to die.

But scent of safety woke me from the gray

And out I looked to softish warming day.

Awake! already asking, was there fear?

I found only a longing for the sky.

Lured I reached myself into my skin

Longing to Taste and See and know again.

Without hoorah without ceremony

As if helped by a power outside of me

One step one look one stanza at a time

Slow and steadily I made the climb.

Little Lady Katie

My sister's name is Katie. I have three sisters and I refer to them all as "my sister" when I am telling stories. This really bugs my friends. Katie is in charge of the family, and we all know it's best that way. No, "in charge" doesn't really do it justice... she is the master of ceremonies. Yes, that's good. Our family progresses as one big ceremony; my dad stable with love and amusement, my mom magic, me having visions and panic attacks, Ali simple, cooking and laughing and praying, Danny listening and advising and brothering, Keila as the entertainer and prophet. and Katie is the master of ceremonies.

I think I'm supposed to have some older sister driving force, but as far as I see it, (Katie, correct me if I'm wrong), my job is to love Katie, to protect her (I am still the older sister, and if you mess with her, I'll mess with you), to advise her when she asks, to take care of her when she lets me, and to go along with the plans she makes.

This works well because Katie, with her twinkling eye and stubborn assertiveness and ability to make anything fun, knows best. She puts together outfits, parties, and adventures with a wave of her hand (often holding an iphone, of course, but in her case she is its master, not the other way around).  She makes family reunions fun. Going to lunch is an adventure, getting dressed a festival. She coordinates with grace, effortlessly spreading prettiness and laughter everywhere she goes. She's been smiling since she was a baby. And the more she learns she doesn't have to smile, the truer her smiles are.

But Katie is not a silly girl. She is too loyal and competent and self assured for that. She says no when she needs to and she trusts the voice inside her. She prays and she obeys when she understands what to do. And she's one of the most generous people I know.

If you happen to tumble into Katie's world, if she happens to meet you and glisten and tilt her head back and laugh, you should know now that you are about to fall in love. You are going to want to take her on a date or hire her or be her new best friend or make her your maid of honor or best man depending on your current situation.

And she is my sister. Dang, I lucked out.