There's No Such Thing as a Fresh Start...

But there is such a thing as fresh. I know, because I'm in it. I am grimy and my hair is dirty and my face is sticky and my throat hurts, but there is freshness in me and in my world today. Things feel new and I can breathe deeply and write again. To commemorate the new start I wanted to start a new blog, but the name and the header and the background color and the links overwhelmed me. I needed them to be perfect, so I decided not to deal with it at all and just to write. Where to start?

Start small, Ann Lammott says.

I tend to operate on a pendulum. I know this is unhealthy, but while many have helped make me self aware, few have attempted to show me the exit door from the pendulum swing. And so, I ride. I've been living with a wonderful family for the past ten months. I was in a very tough place and they welcomed me to their home, their hearts, their dinner table, their weddings, their joys and fears. I felt it all and I had a home there. But this summer the time came for me to move into my own space. I prayed for a lovely space and God gave me one. I am sitting in my new home now now. It was built in the 1930's, quirky and quaint. It has arches for doorways and hardwood floors. The light is softish yellow mostly, and there are trees tickling the windows. I'm being hugged by a house that's being hugged by trees that are being moved by God and he reminds me of how he loves me, how he cares for me, how he hears me.

The pendulum swung. I have not been able to invite people over to my house for so long. I moved into this beautiful space and the hostessing energy that has been pent up is now bursting forth like a giant sparkly firework that is mostly pretty and occasionally catches things on fire. I can't stop inviting people over. The food has multiplied like the fish and the loaves... I honestly don't know how I've fed so many people. I have precious quiet time in the mornings and evenings, but I have had people over for at least one meal a day since I got here.

Tonight I had a family of six over for dinner. I googled "kid friendly healthy food," came up with bbq chicken burgers, added my own sweet potato fries and a watermelon to go with it. When they asked what they could bring I said... chairs. I loved having them over. Their six year old boy spilled his ice cream all over and and things are a little stickier now, a little more lived in. I talked to the parents about life and education and kid's books as their kids explored my home and played on the furniture.

And so, I live by myself, but I am not alone. God wakes me, he guides me, he forgives me for being self-absorbed and he helps me. This space is ours, and visitors are welcome!

After tomorrow I'm grounded for a little bit from having people over because the next week I start school again. Teaching, round two. After in-service this week I can officially say I'm so glad to be back. To have another chance at helping students to see and to love what is true, good, and beautiful. No, this is not a fresh start. I've certainly made very visible mistakes. They've been seen and noticed, but in my workplace they have not been cataloged to be used against me. No, they've been forgiven (where forgiveness was needed), and even celebrated when there was a lot to be learned from the mistake. We've laughed together. And so there is freshness in me, in this un-fresh start. And I have hope that the one who has called me is faithful and will strengthen me.